Discovering that you've been fooling yourself all along.

So this is probably the most painful entry I have written so far. I don't know whether I will bother trying to get a publisher any more. Maybe I'll win money and self publish and promote all my own stuff. I'm so sick of publishers rejecting my work! I am beginning to truly think my writing or my story or my characters or something totally sucks! I'm writing in anger right now, but sometimes that's the best time to get your feelings out. I won't blame the publishers, though I wish they had just told me up front that my work is no good. No, I'll blame myself for dreaming big. Actually, for dreaming at all. My husband keeps saying I don't dream enough or dream big enough. Well, the reason is I can't stand the inevitable crash down to reality. I feel like I may just not bother writing anymore...or at least not for awhile. I seem to have lost enjoyment in writing lately. I don't know if it's because I had all this anticipation and then nothing or what, but I can't get motivated to sit down and write anymore. I had all these dreams, where I would see my trilogy and eventually my saga on book shelves and be able to tell people where to buy them, but now I'm thinking, maybe they're not worth paying for.

I feel hollow, sad and extremely disappointed. I don't know that I have the courage to put myself out there anymore and get rejected over and over and over again. I think I'm just sick of the whole 'game'. I'm not saying I quit...yet, but I am saying I'm taking a hiatus. I don't want to deal with publishing houses who never give me a second glance or ones who do but then change their mind or get overruled or whatever. I'm tired and sad and just plain tired.

That's all for now.